The Horrible Interpretation of the Prophecy
by cuddlebearlove
Summary: 8th in the series. Voldemort interprets the prophecy in an odd manner, and tries to talk Harry out of it. The others in this series are referred to.


Disclaimer: Not mine

The Horrible Interpretation of the Prophecy

Harry was in the Great Hall for breakfast the day after his and Ginny's talk with her parents. He was trying to eat, but was growing nauseous thinking about Mr. Weasley discussing exams and virginity.

Ron was the first to spot the raven that entered the hall with the post owls. He pointed it out to Harry and Hermione. All three were stunned when it landed in front of Harry.

"Be careful." Hermione said. "You have no idea who it is from."

"Who uses a raven for mail?" Ron asked.

Harry gently pulled the scroll from the bird, which took to the sky as soon as he was free of his message.

"Maybe you shouldn't open it." Hermione advised. "What if it is cursed?"

Harry glanced at the head table. Most of the professors were staring at him. Snape was looking at him in an especially odd manner.

"If it was too dangerous, one of them would have stopped me by now." Harry answerd, inclining his head toward his teachers.

"That is very poor logic, Harry." Hermione retorted.

"Just open it." Ron said.

As he broke the seal, he saw writing that he vaguely recognized, but could not place from where.

_"Dear Sworn enemy,"_ it read. Harry frowned and scanned down to the end of the letter.

"You have to be kidding me." he said, realizing that he knew the writing from the diary in his second year.

"Who's it from?" Ron asked.

"Voldemort."

"WHAT?" shrieked Hermione. She grabbed the letter and rushed to the head table. "Professor Dumbledore, sir."

"Yes, Miss Granger."

In answer, Hermione thrust the parchment at him. Albus scanned it and began to chuckle. He then handed it back to Hermione. "I see nothing dangerous about it, Miss Granger. Harry may have it back."

"Can I please finish reading my mail, Hermione?" Harry asked.

She returned it and the trio went to the common room to read it in private.

_"Dear Sworn Enemy,_

_It has recently come to my attention that you are gay."_

"How the bloody hell would he have found out I said that?" Harry asked. "It was just the five of us in the headmaster's office yesterday."

"I don't know. Just keep reading." Hermione said.

"_This is of great concern to me. I know you have repeatedly said you will not join me, but I am still worried. I know I am dead sexy-"_

"What?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"That's what it says." Harry said.

"Oh yeah. I know loads of girls who are completely turned on by a guy with no body." Ron said sarcastically.

Harry continued, "_but I feel obliged to tell you that I am straight."_

"Hey, mione." Ron said, choking back giggles. "Do you reckon that means you have a shot with him?"

"Shut up, Ronald." she said.

"_Now, I am unsure of how much Dumbledore has told you, but I have another reason for concern. A prophecy exists involving us."_

"Huh, that's new information." said Harry.

_"I know what the first half says. To summarize, someone has the power to vanquish me."_

"Wonder who." Ron said.

"Either Dumbledore or Harry." Hermione said. Then she added, "If prophecies were real, which they are not."

_"Now, my reason for concern is that I fear you are the one who is suppose to vanquish me. I fear you are going to try and do this through sex. That is the reason for this letter."_

Harry suddenly looked up from the parchment. "Voldemort wrote me a letter because he thinks I am going to bugger him to death. My life has reached a new low."

_"I also would like to tell you that I have several followers who are, um, indecisive in regards to their preferred gender. While it is good that you have picked one, I must say I believe you made the wrong decision. Women are great. Just the other day, I was remembering my later years at Hogwarts. There is a broom cupboard that is perfect for-"_

"NO." Harry screamed. "I'm not reading the rest of it. There are two pages that go into great detail regarding why I shouldn't be gay."

"Skip ahead." Hermione advised while Ron looked sick.

Harry nodded and went to the last two paragraphs.

_"In conclusion, do not be gay. If you neglect this piece of advice, take another. Do not be gay with me. It will anger me, but it will not vanquish me. Now I turn the rest of the parchment over to Wormtail, who so generously wrote this for me, as I still lack a body. That does not make me any less sexy, though."_

_"Harry," _wrote Wormtail, "_If you still feel the need to be gay after my master's wonderful reasoning of why not to be, then let me say this. Your father, had I not gotten him killed, would not think any less of you for who you are. Indeed, many times with I believe both Sirius and later Remus-"_

AHHHHHH." Harry thrust the parchment away from him as if he had been burned.

"Well, that was, um, informative." Hermione said.

"I think it is safe to say that it was probably also the worst." Ron added.

"Don't jinx it." Harry said.

"Come on, Harry. The man who murdered your parents dictated a letter to the man who betrayed your parents telling you all the reasons you should be straight. That rates pretty high on the trauma meter." Ron said.

"What do you think?" Harry asked Hermione.

"It could always get worse, though it is unlikely." she answered.

"What do you make of this prophecy that was mentioned?" Ron asked.

"I don't believe it exists." Harry said. "Vanquish Voldemort with sex. Honestly, it had to be a figment of his imagination."

"I agree. All seers are frauds anyway." Hermione said.

Ron laughed and adopted a voice much like Professor Trelawny's. "I don't know about that Hermione. My inner eye sees things getting more horrible."

A/N: There it is. The much requested Voldemort talk. Bet you all can guess who's next. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed all of these stories so far. Please keep it up:)


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